


Serpentine

by ryukoishida



Series: For Now We are Winter [1]
Category: Free!
Genre: M/M, figure skating AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-07
Updated: 2014-07-07
Packaged: 2018-02-07 19:21:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1910757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ryukoishida/pseuds/ryukoishida
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Haruka has witnessed everything from the sideline: Makoto's injury during an especially tough competition, his recovery, the difficult decision he makes to switch to ice dance, and the chemistry that blooms effortlessly between the pair; he's no longer content just sitting by. Perhaps it's time for Haruka to take a step out of his comfort zone and confront what's been there all along.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Serpentine

            "What do you mean you'll quit the singles?" Nagisa plops down heavily next to the olive-brown haired teenager on one of those very uncomfortably hard surfaces of bleachers surrounding the outdoor ice rink. It's the end of another training session and almost everyone has left, save for a few senior skaters who are still practicing on their own.

 

            Sitting on the other side of Makoto, and out of the corner of his eyes, Haruka sees his best friend scratching the back of his neck with a perturbed smile. "Don't over exaggerate, Nagisa. I'm just switching to ice dance, that's all. It's not like I'm quitting skating for the rest of my life."

 

            Neither Nagisa nor Haruka seems to want to say it out loud, but they all know that ice dance is an entirely different discipline all together. It's like Makoto will have to start from the basics again.

 

            "But Mako-chan, that means we won't be able to train together anymore," Nagisa says, a small frown etched on his boyish face.

 

            "I guess that's true," Makoto is still smiling, but it doesn't touch the gentle green of his eyes, Haruka notices. He pats Nagisa on the shoulder and says, "We'll still see each other at school, you know, and there are days when the ice dance and individuals practices will overlap."

 

            "You're right," Nagisa sighs, "as always." Makoto chuckles at his friend's resigned tone.

 

            "That's the spirit," Makoto gets up, throwing his duffle bag over his shoulders. "Come on, let's get something to eat before heading home. I'm starving." Nagisa skips on ahead and Makoto is about to follow when he feels a slight tug on his shirt sleeve.

 

            He turns around, eyes concerned. "Haru?"

 

            Haruka is a few inches shorter, but his steady gaze is piercing right through Makoto's pretence. It isn't just that he can look through him though; if that were the case, Makoto thinks he wouldn't be able to stand it – the ferocity and raw honesty of it. He knows that his best friend is a person of few words, but they have learned, from very early on in their lives, to communicate through mere gestures and facial expressions. This is one of those silent conversations that really only requires vocal acknowledgment on Makoto's end, because somehow, he needs to reassure himself – and his best friend – that what he says is true. The more he says it out loud to himself, like a repetitive prayer, the truth of the statements coming out of his mouth becomes more undeniable. That's what he believes in.

 

            "I'm fine." Makoto squeezes his shoulder with a thankful smile before turning around again to follow Nagisa, who is waving at them from the exit impatiently.

 

            'But you're not,' Haruka thinks in dismay, the smallest frown apparent on his brow if one were to look closely enough. Even from a distance, Haruka can tell that Makoto's first day back from his three-month recovery period has been rough from the way he walks down the stairs with slow, deliberate steps. His left ankle is still weak from the newly-healed fracture. Yet there's nothing on his face that displays any sign of the pain or discomfort he's probably feeling right now, not even when he's with the group of people he trusts the most. Haruka vaguely wonders why that is.

 

            Before he can get any further with this trail of thought, however, Nagisa and Makoto are urging him to hurry up.

 

\---

 

            Haruka has always been on the sidelines, watching him.

 

            Like the rest of his teammates from Iwatobi Skate Club, Haruka was sitting behind the rink board and tightening up his skates, but his attention shifted when the announcer called out Makoto's name. The flight of skaters he belonged in had just finished the short warm-up on ice and was now waiting to be called up one by one to take the center stage. Makoto was the first of his flight to go.

 

            As he walked past his teammates, all of them either gave him a thumbs-up, a muttered 'good luck', or a simple slap of the hand, Makoto gave them a nod and smile in return; it was timid, unlike his usually unguarded and bright one, and Haruka wanted nothing more than to wash away whatever concern and doubt that was troubling his friend's mind.

 

            "Makoto," Haruka said quietly, touching the inside of Makoto's wrist as he walked by, and the boy paused for just a short second; his face betrayed nothing, but the quickened pulse could not lie.

 

            "I'll try my best, Haru."

 

            Haruka didn't know what to say, only that he wanted to do something to reassure him. Anything. His grip – seemingly desperate – tightened and relaxed, and words were racing through his mind, fighting to come bursting out; instead, Haruka simply said, "I know you will."

 

            And Makoto did try his best like Haruka knew he would.

 

            At the start of the instrumental version of "I Dreamed a Dream", Haruka could tell that the tension was melting away as he let the music wash over him; that was the transformation Makoto needed and the music never failed to provide that. He became at one with the melody – the story and emotions behind it – and he had that special ability to interpret the music using the language of his body, telling the story of someone who once had high hopes but had now fallen into the depths of despair. 

 

            He had always been the best in the skate club at musicality and interpretation, but even as he began to skate backwards in preparation to enter into his first jump - a triple loop - Haruka could see the tension crawling back like a poisonous creature. His limbs and shoulders were rigid and that was never a good sign. Sure enough, the landing from the perfectly rotated jump was shaky at best and it looked like he had landed on both feet but he kept going. He could only keep going.

 

            The program was almost at its midpoint with one more jump - the challenging triple lutz triple toe combo - and Haruka knew from their shared practice sessions that Makoto and this jump had never gotten along. He would either lose balance and fall, or didn't jump high enough and under-rotate; despite this, Makoto refused to lower the difficulty level of the jump, insisting to Coach Sasabe that he would practice and practice until he got the hang of it. From what Haruka could remember, Makoto had only successfully landed this combo a handful of times.

 

            He could feel everyone's eyes fixed on the performer's figure and breaths held as Makoto got ready for the jump. For a moment, Haruka thought his friend was going to make it; Makoto's jump was big and he hung in mid-air like he could soar even higher, but as he got out of his rotations, his blade caught the ice and couldn't hold.

 

            He crumpled and even through the volume of the music, Haruka swore he could hear a painful grunt as his body hit the cold surface.

 

            "Makoto!" Haruka rushed to the board that separated between Makoto's world and his. Other people were not allowed on the ice unless it was a serious emergency.

 

            "Is Mako-chan okay?" Nagisa piped up beside Haruka.

 

            On the ice, the song was climbing to its climax. Makoto had stopped for longer than fifteen seconds, so some deductions would be unavoidable. Yet he was still attempting to get to his feet, wincing as he tried to shift some weight on his left foot. Even from this distance, Haruka could see Makoto was struggling; his face was pale and covered with sweat, and his legs were trembling.

 

            'Procedures be damned,' Haruka thought and pushed open the rail.

 

            "Haru-chan!" Nagisa called but the dark-haired boy had already stepped out onto the rink.

 

            Nagisa followed close behind; together they rushed across the ice and helped Makoto up, supporting him on either side.

 

            It was all a rush from there. The car ride to the hospital, the anxious waiting as Makoto went through the surgery.

 

            When Makoto woke up from the anaesthetic, he saw a few blurry figures standing around his bedside. "H-Haru?" As his eyes slowly adjust to the dimmed light, he saw his parents holding each other's hand, relieved smiles on their faces. Ran and Ren were clinging to them but hurried to grab their brother's hand when they realized he had woken up. Makoto tried his best to smile at them to show that he was all right. But Haruka... he tried to turn to the other side, but his head felt heavy and everything was still fuzzy around the edges.

 

            "I'm right here," Haruka said, his voice quiet. It was hard to tell what Haruka was thinking, or maybe it was the painkillers still swimming in Makoto's system. He could usually read his friend very well.

 

            "When," his voice was hoarse, so he cleared his throat and started again, "when can I start skating again?"

 

            "The doctor said you should take it easy for the next little while," Mrs. Tachibana replied.

 

            "But did he give a time frame?"

 

            "He said it'll take two to three months for you to be able to skate properly again," Haruka said.

 

            "Two to three months?" Makoto sounded alarm. "But - "

 

            "No buts," Haruka looked at him, lips tightened and eyes steely blue. Makoto knew better than to argue when he was this serious. He breathed out, tone less severe with his next words, "You can't risk another injury like this one. Just rest and stay off the ice until you're ready. Promise me this, Makoto."

 

            Makoto gazed up at Haruka and there was a silent but firm expression, but beyond that, a gentle and protective light, too.

 

            Makoto nodded, "Okay."

 

            "Everyone in the skate club is waiting for you to return," Haruka said.

 

            "And you?"

 

            "What about me?" Haruka was definitely backing a small step away from the bed, eyes averted.

 

            "Will you wait for me?"

 

            "Don't be absurd, Makoto," Haruka retorted, staring at the floor. "Of course I will."

 

            "I-I'm glad, Haru-chan," Makoto seemed to be under the influence of another shot of painkillers because when Haruka glanced up again, his friend's eyes had fluttered close.

 

-

 

            It wasn't easy the first few weeks when Makoto was released from the hospital. He was required to wear a cast and was seen for three weeks hobbling around with a crutch on one side and having Haruka close to him on the other in case he tripped. Haruka would also run over to the Tachibana residence whenever he could to lend a hand, whether it was to babysit Ran and Ren or to make dinner when their parents had to work late.

 

In fact, Haruka was being so helpful that the first day Makoto returned home and was getting ready to take a bath, Haruka didn't even hesitate to enter the bathroom ("But you can't get your cast wet," Haruka had insisted with a straight face.) until Makoto had to kick him out – figuratively speaking, of course – declaring that he could wash himself just fine, thank you very much.

 

            When he got rid of the cast a month later, Makoto was instructed to do physical therapy exercises everyday to strengthen his leg muscles and ankle motions. Worst of all, he was still banned from doing strenuous activities, and that included skating. With the restrictions these days, he was either at school or stuck at home; he missed the ice so much that sometimes Makoto thought he could even smell that crisp, pine scent that always surround the rink.

 

            "If you don't take me to the skating club today, I will go insane," Makoto threatened, limping beside Haruka as they make their way home. The weather had turned significantly colder without him noticing; fortunately, the snow had stayed clear from their little town for the past week, which made practicing at the outdoor Iwatobi Ice Rink a much more pleasant experience without being half blinded by the swirling snowflakes. Makoto wind his scarf tighter around his neck and shivered.

 

            "It's that bad, huh?" Haruka glanced over at him. 

 

            "You have no idea."

 

            "Remember," Haruka warned.

 

            "I know, I know," Makoto sighed, "No skating. I got it. I just want to watch, that's all."

 

            It was solo practice today, and now that Makoto thought about it, it was probably a bad idea to come in the first place. Haruka had dropped him off at the bleachers by the rink before hurrying to change into his skates and start his practice.

 

            Coach Sasabe yelled at him for a couple of minutes for being late and soon sent him off to practice his jumps. He did give Makoto a friendly wave when he spotted the youngster sitting there watching them, and Makoto greeted him back with a smile.

 

            As he watched Haruka land every jump with confidence and grace, and Nagisa laugh at a silly move that Rei did as he tried to make a spin look more beautiful than gravity allowed, Makoto felt heaviness seeped into the pit of his stomach, weighing him down, suffocating him slowly. The white steam slithering out from between his lips became as opaque and blinding as winter's miasma.

 

            Will he ever be able to skate like that again? That was his biggest worry right now. It was difficult enough for him to do advance jumps even back when his ankle was healthy, but now that his ankle had weakened, figure skating would become more of a challenge than before. This, he knew for certain, and it was this uncertainty that made Makoto lost sight of what he should do.

 

            "Tachibana-kun," a voice interrupted his thoughts. So deeply engulfed he was by his contemplation that he didn't notice another person had sat down next to him.

 

            "Ah, Aki-chan," Makoto said.

 

            "Are you okay?" Aki asked. Her eyes flicked downwards at his hands. Makoto looked down as well and realized that he had been holding his fists tight in his lap. When he loosened them, half-moons were imprinted on his palms in ivory and gradually turning into angry red around the edges.

 

            Aki Yazaki was as close to a female friend Makoto had, though he was kind to everyone in general; they attended the same school and somehow always ended up in the same class. She also went to the same skating club, but she was in ice dance – always has been – and so they never really get to converse outside of school.

 

            "Sorry, I was just thinking," Makoto's answering smile was a little rueful.

 

            "You seem unhappy," Aki told him. Other than her easy-going attitude, Aki was also known to be very observant. Makoto turned to her curiously, wondering if he was really that easy to read. "But I'm glad to see that you're well. We all miss you."

 

            "It's good to be back," Makoto said, looking towards the rink again. "Well, sort of back, I guess, since I'm still not allowed to skate."

 

            "Did the doctor mention when?"

 

           "He said it depends," Makoto shrugged, but that answer had always irked him. He wanted a concrete answer, a date.

 

            "Not soon enough?"  Aki asked, noting the tremble of annoyance in his tone.

 

            "Exactly."

 

            For some time, neither of them spoke, until the day grew darker and the first trace of stars appeared above them.

 

            Makoto suddenly asked, "Aki-chan, is there ice dance practice today?"

 

            "Nope," Aki answered cheerily.

 

            "Then how come...?"

 

            "I was just waiting for the solo practice to finish up," Aki began to fish out her skates from her backpack. "So I can get a bit of ice time after they're done." She gave him a mischievous grin before putting her attention back to lacing up her skates.

 

            "But it'll be dark soon, and you'll be by yourself," Makoto said, frowning slightly.

 

            "Don't worry," Aki stood up, swinging her backpack onto her shoulders. "There's still some time before it'll be completely dark and my friends are sticking around for awhile after their practice." She waved to them as two girls around their age stepped off the rink and started for their direction.

 

            "See you tomorrow at school, Tachibana-kun," Aki called out and before Makoto could even give a proper reply, she was already on the ice, gliding further off as solo skaters steadily exit the rink.

 

            On their way back home, with Makoto settled on the back seat of Haruka's bicycle, the silence was tangible for the first time in a long while.

 

            "Something wrong?" Haruka's gaze never strayed from the path; only the headlight of his bike was guiding their way.

 

            "Hmm?" Makoto's hold on his waist tightened as they hit a bump on the road. "What do you mean?"

 

            "You're strangely reticent just now," Haruka told him.

 

            "I – I was just," Makoto stammered. He didn't want to weigh Haruka down with his worries; everything that he'd done for him since his injury – it was more than he could have ever asked for. It was enough.

           

            "You will be able to skate again, Makoto," Haruka sounded steady, modulated. "It'll just take some time, but - "

 

            "You think so?" The tremulous hesitation in Makoto's voice was unmistakable.

 

            "I know so."

 

            "Thanks, Haru," though Haruka couldn't see, Makoto was smiling, his forehead resting just at the base of the back of Haruka's neck. It was a tiny gesture, but something more immense had passed between the two bodies.

 

            "Yeah."

 

\---

 

            "Nagisa, do you know the girl who's skating with Makoto?"

 

            "Eh?" Nagisa strains his neck in order to see who Haruka is referring to, and when he sees the girl with the bamboo green skating dress talking to their friend, the blond-haired boy answers, "Isn't she in Mako-chan and Haru-chan's class?"

 

            "She is?"

 

            "You ought to pay more attention to your surroundings, Haru-chan!" Nagisa laughs, before continue drinking his juice box.

 

            Now that the pair is skating closer to their side of the rink, where he and Nagisa are attempting to do their homework on the bleachers while waiting for Makoto to finish his practice session, Haruka realizes that Nagisa is correct. The girl in question is none other than Aki Yazaki, their fellow classmate who sits two rows ahead of them in class.

 

            Haruka can't remember the last time he makes any effort to talk with her; but then again, Haruka finds it hard to initiate a conversation with anyone in the first place.

 

            This is the first time Haruka sits in at an ice dance practice, and it's certainly a contrast from what he knows of the discipline, which isn't much to begin with. Scattered across the rink are pairs of skaters practicing various moves. One pair is doing lifts, but he notices immediately that those are unlike the ones they do in pairs skating; the male's hands are never raised above his head, but it does allow more freedom for lift positions. Another pair is trying to synchronize their twizzles, and at the moment, they aren't doing a very good job of that.

 

             Makoto and Aki, on the other hand, are doing step sequences. At the beginning of the session, Aki was showing him how to do the serpentine sequence – an element that was somewhat familiar to Makoto already since he had been doing that for the singles skating – and now they are trying to do the sequence together, which proves to be an entirely different matter.

 

            "Are they partners?" Haruka asks, still watching the pair intently, geometry homework all but forgotten on his lap.

 

            "I guess?" Nagisa looks up from his own notebook. "I'd think you'd be the first person Mako-chan would tell if he'd found a partner."

 

            Haruka doesn't know what to say to that, because that's what he'd assumed as well.

 

            "He didn't tell me anything," Haruka says at last after a long pause.

 

            "It's probably not official yet," Nagisa tells him, his tone suspiciously condoling as if Haruka is suffering from something no one can see, which he definitely is not.

 

            After that exchange, Haruka can hardly concentrate on the equations that are swimming meaninglessly in his vision. He gives up, and as he stuffs his textbook back into his bag, he catches the moment when Aki pulls Makoto back to his feet after a fall, both of them laughing at something Haruka has missed. A creature coils tightly deep within him, making him uneasy, restless. He wants to stay, but he wants to run away from this awful feeling even more.

 

            "I'm going home," Haruka says curtly, picking up his messenger bag.

 

            "But I thought we're waiting for Mako-chan!"

 

            "I forgot I've got something to do," he says quickly. He can't even make up a proper excuse; he is that desperate to get out of this situation.

 

            By the time he gets home, Haruka is out of breath from pedaling hard all the way from the rink. He spends close to an hour soaking in the tub until the water is more cold than lukewarm, dunking himself in the water and holding his breath. If he closes his eyes and stops breathing for even a short moment like that, he can pretend everything is fine, and that his mind is not senselessly fighting with itself or that his chest is not winding in knots that he's dying to reach inside to untangle.

 

            The skin of his fingertips is still wrinkled from the too-long bath when he hears the doorbell. There aren't many people who would come over at this hour, so Haruka can half-guess who the visitor is. Despite this, he remains seated in the living room, with textbooks and pages of notes spread out before him.

 

            "I'm coming in," he hears Makoto's voice calling from the back door. Haruka shifts his notebook, pencil poised as he scribbles down a phrase.

 

            "I hope you're hungry," Makoto says, cheerfully skipping into the living room. The grip on his pencil only tightened. "I got us some food from my place." He helps himself to the chair across from Haruka, placing down a few plastic containers. He begins to clear the table by stacking up the loose-leaf papers and books to one side.

 

            "Hey, I'm still working on that," Haruka protests, not as firmly as he'd like, as Makoto takes the notebook he was writing on and adds it to the pile.

 

            "Food first, work later," Makoto chides, deftly also taking his pencil from Haruka's fingers.

 

            Haruka doesn't fight him; he never bothers. Plus, he _is_ getting a little hungry. His stomach growls in anguish and Makoto chuckles. Haruka hides the flush of his cheeks by going to the kitchen to gather some utensils. Fine, he's rather famished since he didn't have a chance to eat anything since lunch at school.

 

            "You're planning on skipping dinner tonight, aren't you?" Makoto asks, placing dishes and chopsticks in their respective places. Haruka bites his lip; his friend knows his habits too well. Once it goes past nine o'clock, Haruka has a tendency to just ignore what his stomach demands and would rather go to bed early than eat. Makoto never understands the reason but he doesn't question it either.

 

            "I was going to make something after I'm done with my school work," Haruka sits back down and starts to eat.

 

            He keeps staring at his bowl when he chews and refuses to look up; even when Makoto asks him questions, he only replies with short, brief phrases. He wants to inquire about Aki, and he can feel the words about to tumble out of his mouth, but he forces them back in by putting more food down his throat.

 

            Even on his way to Haruka's, Makoto could sense something was off. Haruka had said that he and Nagisa would wait for him after practice, because they wanted to see how different the ice dance practice was from their own, and to make sure that Makoto's ankle was not giving him any trouble. But once practice was over, and he went up to the bleachers where Nagisa was waiting, Haruka was nowhere to be seen. This was very unlike Haruka's nature. After Nagisa told him what had happened, Makoto's worry deepened.

 

            "Is there something we need to talk about?" Makoto places his bowl down, chin in hand and looking at Haruka expectantly but not unkindly.

 

            "It's nothing." That's a blatant lie, but Haruka refuses to acknowledge that. Makoto may know him very well, but he can't read minds.

 

            "Don't lie to me, Haru," Makoto's voice is becoming softer, more solemn. "Something's going on, and this may come as a surprise to you but I can't actually read your mind all the time."

 

            "Then why do you even bother?" If it were any other person, this would have come out in an agitated shout, but Haruka has the talent of silent fury. He gathers the dishes from the table, lips tightened into a thin line as if physically restricting himself from saying anything further.

 

            Haruka turns on the tap, pours in some soap, and lets the hot water flow over the plates, washing away the grime. He wishes this disgusting, strangling sensation simmering inside him can be washed down the drain along with the dirt.

 

            Without a word, Haruka starts to scrub the dishes as if they have personally offended him; Makoto stands adjacent to him, like always, waiting for Haruka to hand him the clean dishes so he can dry them.

 

            "Because I want to know what got my best friend so upset," Makoto says after awhile, continuing their previous conversation. "I want to help."

 

            'How can you help me when you are the cause?' Haruka thinks, closing his eyes and breathing out long and steady. "Aki Yazaki..." The sound of running water almost drowns out his words.

 

            "What about her?" The moment Haruka mentions her name, Makoto can almost guess what's going on.

 

            "Are you two... partners?"

 

            "If you had waited for me after practice, I'd have told you," Makoto tells him gently. "Yes, Aki-chan and I will be ice dance partners from now on. We've just decided that today and told Coach Sasabe so that we can start training together officially."

 

            "Oh." It's partly relief from finally getting the answer from Makoto, and also partly intrigued, but most of all, this restless, distraught creature inside him is not satisfied with Makoto's answer. It wants more.

 

            He is not about to make a fool of himself again by asking such childish questions though. But he does feel slightly better now that he knows.

 

\---

 

            There is such a thing as knowing too much, as Haruka soon finds out.

 

            "Haruka-senpai!"

 

            "Hmm?" He comes to his senses when Rei snaps his fingers in front of his face. "What?"

 

            "You were staring," Rei states.

 

            "At Mako-chan and Aki-chan," Nagisa helpfully adds.

 

            "You too?"

 

            "What?"

 

            "Calling her 'Aki-chan'," Haruka sighs. "You don't even know her that well."

 

            "We're getting there," Nagisa grins, putting his school work away for the time being and starts on his lunch. "Anyway, she doesn't seem to mind when I call her that."

 

            "Haruka-senpai, I really think you should talk to Makoto-senpai," Rei remarks, "The way you just keep daydreaming these days is a little disconcerting."

 

            "Don't talk nonsense, Rei," Haruka mumbles, taking a vengeful bite of his sandwich. "I wasn't daydreaming, and I talk to Makoto all the time."

 

            "That's not what I meant," Rei is sounding desperate, because honestly, how can Haruka not see? "You should tell Makoto-senpai how you f - "

 

            "Rei-chan, here, try my tamagoyaki!" Nagsia forces the omelette into Rei's still-opened mouth, muffling his remaining words. "I made it myself! Do you like it?"

 

            "Nagisa-kun!" Rei coughs forcefully after managing to somehow swallow the egg. "Are you trying to kill me?"

 

            "Of course not!" Nagisa isn't even looking at Rei anymore, but studies Haruka thoughtfully, who has resumed his moody sandwich-eating while occasionally casting distasteful glances in Makoto and Aki’s general direction.

 

            Lately, the two ice dancers have been hanging out a lot during school time; Makoto has explained that it's because they have to discuss about the upcoming competition. The two have been partners for only about three months at this point, but despite what Haruka thinks of Aki, he has to admit that she is a very talented ice dancer, and with Makoto slowly gaining back his strength and confidence, the skills required of ice dancing is coming to him easily. In truth, the pair has been improving so greatly that even Coach Sasabe has been impressed enough to let them sign up for the prefecture competition that's coming in four month's time.

 

            Since then, the two have been inseparable. During weekdays, there would be two or three days that Makoto and Aki will practice at the outdoor rink right after school. Haruka sometimes goes afterwards to watch from the bleachers while pretending to do his homework; mostly though, he's seen peeking over his textbook, frowning without noticing it himself. After practice, Makoto and Aki would go their separate ways, and he and Haruka would ride their bikes back home together. Yet the silence that wedges between them is thick and stifling at times, and Haruka has no idea how to fix it.

 

            Some days, Nagisa humours Haruka by tagging along, and when he does, it takes a lot of self-control for the blond-haired boy to not roll his eyes and say something to his oblivious friend.

 

            "What is so important that they have to talk about it now?" Haruka forcibly sticks the rest of his unfinished sandwich into his lunch box.

 

            "You could go over and ask," Nagisa suggests.

 

            Haruka regards them from across the other side of the rooftop; their voices are low, but they look excited, with Aki gesturing wildly about something and Makoto responding with open laughter.

 

            "I shouldn't interrupt," Haruka says, his tone quiet and cold. Without another word or glance at the pair, he leaves.

 

            "Shouldn't we do something about this?" Rei turns to Nagisa with a serious expression.

 

            "We should let them figure it out for themselves," Nagisa says, packing away his lunch as well.

 

            "That's what I'm worried about," Rei pushes his glasses back as he gets up with a groan. "From my observations of the last few months, it's going to take them forever to realize what's going on. But I'm afraid I'm going to be driven insane by Haruka-senpai's mood swings long before then."

 

            "Patience, Rei-chan! That time will come when Haru-chan and Mako-chan can be honest about their feelings for each other," Nagisa says with assurance. "Eventually."

 

\---

 

            And so for Haruka Nanase, a young man of few words and a tiresome incapability to express himself, the four months leading up to the prefecture competition are spent practicing his programs hard, pouring everything he has into the one stable element of his life he can always rely on, attempting to put more effort in his classes instead of spending that energy uselessly on thinking thoughts that spiral straight down the moment he lets it start, and pretending everything regarding Makoto is just fine.

 

            They are still close, but their conflicting practice schedules have denied them of spending time with each other like they used to. Makoto tries to make up for it by inviting Haruka over to his place more often, or extending their stay in downtown Kitami on the weekends after their weekly off-ice practice sessions at the city's dance studio. 

 

            Haruka can see what Makoto's doing. His best friend is trying so hard to include him in his life, refusing to let a thing like conflicting schedules get between them. Haruka wants him to stop pretending – that's all it is, isn't it? Holding on to the crippling belief and faith of their friendship even as they are inevitably drifting apart due to the forces of everyday life.

 

            He wishes he has the power to decline whenever Makoto asks him, yet every time, without fail, he ends up saying 'yes'. Because without Makoto, it's meaningless.

 

            It's true that Haruka is the one who taught Makoto how to skate when they were young; it's also true that Haruka excels at the technical aspects of figure skating. But Makoto is the one who shows him that a program is not just some routine one skates to; it's so much more than that. It's letting the music runs through your veins, invigorating not only your body but also your core, living the story you've weaved from the music, and lost yourself into it, skate to it in joy and grief.

 

            When Makoto loses himself in his skating, that's when he's the most mesmerizing.

 

            Haruka knows all this. He probably knows this for a long time now.

 

\---

 

            "Nanase-kun, remember: you are a boy in the water. You love the water and you thrive in it, but at the same time, you yearn for the freedom that's on the surface," Coach Sasabe is telling him for the umpteenth time. His flight has just finished the warm-up and Haruka is the next skater to go.

 

             After yesterday's short program, Haruka is currently sitting at fifth place. A careless fall had cost him some precious points. In order to make it into the Regionals, he has to rank at least in the top three. "Just do the thing you've been doing at practice and let the music drive you forward, and you'll be fine," the coach slaps him lightly on the back and stalks off to talk to another student in the next flight.

 

            "Just imagine that someone important is waiting for you on the other side of the water, and you want nothing more than to get to them," Coach Sasabe had said before during his practice, and the first face that swims into Haruka's mind then was Makoto – the gentle eyes, the warm smile, the hand that always pulls him up when he falls down.

 

            Apparently, that had been the right thing to do because instead of the usual yelling of "you're not feeling the music, Nanase!" or "stop being such a robot!", the coach had blinked after the run down of the program, as if he was pleasantly surprised by what he just saw, and simply pat his shoulder, saying "Keep it up."

 

            The ice dance portion of the competition is in the afternoon, so that means Makoto and Aki must be among the audience. A few hours ago when they were on the bus, neither of them spoke to each other, but before Haruka headed off to the changing room, Makoto had pulled him aside from the others.

 

            "There's something wrong between us, isn't there?" Makoto always speaks so frankly; most of the time, Haruka appreciates that about him. "We really need to resolve this, Haru, so let's talk after the competition is over, okay?"

 

            "Yeah." That was a safe answer - a non-committal one.

 

            "Haruka Nanase, of Iwatobi High School, will skate his long program to Tatsuya Kato's 'A Boy in the Water'," the announcer interrupts Haruka's thoughts.

 

            He closes his eyes, and counts quietly for five seconds until the thrum of his pulse slows down. He pushes off from the board and gets ready in his starting position on the ice.

 

\---

 

            By the time Haruka comes out of the changing room and joins the rest of his teammates in the spectator crowd (Nagisa is so excited about him getting second place that he gives him a bear hug, which Haruka awkwardly returns, while others shake his hand and congratulate him for getting into the Regionals), Makoto and Aki are nowhere to be seen. Nagisa informs him that they have already left to get ready.

 

            There's nothing Haruka can do for now. The adrenaline rushing in his body during his performance has died down; the calm that sweeps through him is almost eerie. He's somewhat glad that he doesn't have to face Makoto this instant; he's not sure if he's capable of telling his best friend that the sole reason why he was able to deliver the program with such genuine intensity this time is because Haruka was picturing him in his mind.

 

            "Hmm, it looks like Makoto-senpai and Yazaki-senpai will be in the first flight of skaters," Rei says, scanning the sheet that listed the order of the free dance.

 

            Makoto and Aki ranks fifteenth out of the twenty pairs of ice dancers after yesterday's short dance. Haruka remembers Makoto telling them that their goal is to get into top ten; it won't get them into the Regionals but for a pair of skaters who have only been together for less than a year, scoring a spot in the top ten is a realistic goal. And from what Haruka had seen during their practice, this target is definitely within reach. 

 

            "It's too bad neither of us made it into the top three, eh, Rei-chan?" Nagisa pokes his friend's arm.

 

            "I supposed it's to be expected," Rei replies, shrugging.

 

            "As long as you've given everything you've got, and have no regrets," Haruka says quietly, not really looking at them, but Rei and Nagisa know this is spoken for their benefit.

 

            "Haru-chan's right!" Nagisa beams and Rei nods with a small smile. "There's always next season."

 

            Soon, the announcement for the ice dance event booms over the speakers and the audience hushes.

 

            After the first four pairs, which have involved a lot of cringe-worthy mistakes, the announcer calls out, "Aki Yazaki and Makoto Tachibana, of Iwatobi High School, will skate their free dance to 'I See the Light' from 'Tangled'." The group cheer and clap as loudly as they can, waving a flag with the school colours, as Makoto and Aki step onto the ice.

 

            If costumes count as part of the scoring system, the two would surely get a lot of points from that alone. It's almost as if the two had stepped out straight from the story book, with Aki's simplistic but delicate pink and purple dress clearly inspired by 18th century European fashion and Makoto's blasé turquoise vest, loose white shirt, and fitting black pants.

 

           The sweet guitar melody signals the introduction, and everyone is watching the story unfold before their eyes. Even for someone who has no experience in figure skating, it's hard to imagine that the two skaters have only been partners for seven months from the way they just seem to fit and dance together so seamlessly.

 

            From twizzles to step sequences, they watch each other carefully in order to synchronize their movements, and though there are times when the transitions are a little sloppy, the audience is mostly overlooking that because Aki and Makoto are simply breath-taking to watch: They glow with delight, and the emotions of finally seeing the light – realizing that true love has been in front of them all along – are behind every gesture of the arms, every lift off the ice, and every smile and glance they share.

 

            It's a beautiful program and they have performed it charmingly, earning applauses and shouts of encouragement from the crowd as they take their bows.

 

            When they announce the scores, Makoto and Aki embrace each other tightly; it's better than either of them have expected for their first competition as partners. They currently sit at first place, but with fifteen more pairs to go, it's still not clear whether they can make it to the top ten.

 

            When she realizes what they're doing, Aki blushes and scoots back a little but Makoto just grins happily.

 

            On their way back to the lounge to watch the rest of the competition, Makoto tries to see if he can spot Haruka in the audience.

 

            "Makoto-kun?" Aki has started to call him by his first name some months ago; Makoto has assured her that it's absolutely fine. "What is it?"

 

            "Ah," he scratched the back of his neck sheepishly, "It's nothing."

 

            "Looking for Nanase-kun?" Aki sends him a knowing look. "I'm sure he was watching and cheering us on." She pats him on the arm comfortingly.

 

            Despite Aki's kind words, Makoto can't concentrate. After a change of clothes and packing everything into his duffle bag, he's unable to stay still, drumming his fingers restlessly on his thigh with his eyes glued to the monitor displaying the proceeding out on the rink but not really watching. At last, he tells Aki he needs some fresh air and rushes to the audience stands.

 

            However, when he reaches his teammates, Haruka's not there.

 

            "Where's Haru?" he whispers to Nagisa.

 

            "He went out right after they announced your scores," Nagisa replies in an equally soft voice, "That reminds me: that was actually awhile ago. I wonder if he's okay."

 

            "I'll go check on him," Makoto says quickly, nodding his thanks, and slips out of the crowd as tacitly as possible.

 

            Outside the building, Makoto finds Haruka standing with his back against the wall close to the entrance.

 

            "Running away from me again, Haru?"

 

            "Makoto..." Haruka straightens himself. "You and Yazaki skated great on the ice today. Congratulations."

 

            "I would say 'thanks', but only if you meant it sincerely," Makoto says, and frowns when Haruka still refuses to face him.

 

            "I do," Haruka affirms, lifting his head to finally look at him. For a moment, his eyes flicker with something like sorrow, a dull and metallic hue.

 

            "Good, I'm glad," Makoto mimics his stance against the wall; if he takes a small step side ways, their arms would touch. "I'm really proud of what we've achieved today."

 

            "It was a good decision in the end then, choosing ice dancing?"

 

            "Yeah, I didn't think I'd enjoy it at first, but it's more suited to my skill set," Makoto chews his lips thoughtfully, "It's different, but it's the good kind, you know?"

 

            Haruka nods.

 

            "But enough of this small talk," Makoto is standing before Haruka once more, his face much more grave. "You've been acting so strangely lately, Haru. I want to know what's going on, and if you say 'nothing', I'll be seriously mad at you."

 

            "You want to know the truth?" Haruka's voice wavers but he's not backing off anymore. Makoto's right; he has a right to know.

 

            "Yes, absolutely."

 

            "Even if it'll cause you to hate me?"

 

            "I never knew you to be such a drama queen, Haru."

 

            "Shut up, Makoto, just - " There's no fire in Haruka's words. The barrier is crumbling – a wall that he isn't aware of building around himself for the past months – and he is breaking along with it.

 

            He feels Makoto's hand on his shoulder, a light, comforting pressure. He takes a step away and lets his friend’s hand falter.

 

            "I don't want to be your friend anymore," Haruka says, tone brittle. Makoto freezes.

 

            "H-Haru?"

 

            "I don't want to be _just_ your friend anymore," Haruka states a little louder, and then he can't stop. He shakes his head violently, trying to throw away the image of Makoto and Aki together – skating together, laughing together, holding and embracing each other. He gulps, his throat too dry and flames licking his skin. "You don't know how happy you look whenever you and Yazaki are together. And I know this is a selfish thing to say, but whenever I see you with her, it – it hurts, right here," Haruka squeezes his eyes shut, a hand grasping tightly on his chest right over his heart.

 

            "We're just partners – friends," Makoto tries to explain, a hand wrapping around Haruka's.

 

            "I know that!" Haruka snaps, shaking him off. Makoto stumbles a step back at the unexpected outburst. "I know that," he says more softly, casting his gaze downwards and avoiding Makoto's widened eyes. He must be disappointed in him – Haruka and his childish ways. Anyone would, and to take Makoto over ten years to figure it out, it's not so bad. Better to quit late than never.

 

            Haruka is ready to leave the scene; he has said what needs to be said, and he doesn't want to deal with the consequences right at this moment. He will let it eat him alive when he finds a more private setting.

 

            "Are you jealous of Aki-chan?" Makoto's disbelieved voice rises up behind him, but Haruka thinks there might also be a trace of laughter in there. "Is that it?" Haru slowly turns around and glowers at him, eyes ablaze. Makoto is just standing there, an expression of realization apparent on his face.

 

            "I'm glad you're finding all this very funny," Haruka mutters.

 

            Makoto takes the few steps to close the distance between them again. "I love you, Haru, I really do, but you can be incredibly dense at times, you know that?" There's no hesitation when he raises his hand and runs his fingers affectionately through Haruka's dark hair.

 

            "What?" Haruka swaps his hand away, but he stays rooted. He has to stretch his neck in order to be able to look at Makoto properly. "What did you say, Makoto?"

 

            "That you're incredibly dense?"

 

            "No, the thing before that."

 

            "Ah, that," Makoto's smile is now bordering on teasing. He stoops down and swiftly kisses Haruka on the cheek.

 

            He blinks. “What the hell?” Haruka can feel the heat spreading already; he grabs a handful of Makoto’s cardigan and yanks, not really caring at this point that he is, in fact, being a little dramatic.

 

            “Makoto, if you’re going to kiss me,” Haruka whispers, switching stares between his bright green eyes and his lips, breaths warm against Makoto’s skin and the white wisps of steam slithering from between their lips mix and rise above their heads, “at least do it properly.”

 

            “It would be my pleasure,” Makoto merely says, closing in the rest of the way, his mouth covering Haruka’s. They feel cold against Makoto’s chapped ones but the sensation melts away the instant they begin to kiss in earnest. His hold on Makoto’s shoulder tightens the slightest, and it seems like Haruka is relieved and tensed all at once. His body relaxes against Makoto’s taller frame, and Makoto’s fingers are relentless in his hair, altering between tugging the strands of dark locks urgently and grazing the skin just below the hairline on the back of his neck. Haruka shudders, wanting to be closer, wanting more.

 

            Haruka didn’t know that his heart can beat this fast and erratic, but he has never felt better in his life. When they at last release each other, their hands still linked and their breaths hitched as if they have just ran miles and miles, Makoto has the goofiest grin on his face and Haruka can’t help but give him a coy, albeit reluctant, smile in return.

 

            “I’m sorry about…” Haruka waves his hands around vaguely, the shadow of shame starting to creep back in. Jealousy rears an ugly head, but even Haruka isn’t above it all, despite of his distant words and cold façade.

 

            “It’s okay, Haru. I just want you to understand this: Aki-chan is a good friend and a worthy partner, and that relationship won’t change, but you, Haruka Nanase, you…” Makoto looks at him with such renewed amazement, his eyes lively and dancing, as if he’s just seeing him for the first time, and laughs like the world is his for the taking – like he wants nothing more. “You are so many things, and you mean so much to me, I…”

 

            “I love you, Makoto,” Haruka interrupts before the doubt can cross his mind again and devour the light that’s shining so vibrantly and clearly now. “I’m sorry you had to put up with my idiotic and childish ways for so many years.”

 

            “And probably for many more years to come?” Makoto chuckles, caressing the other boy’s cheek lightly.

 

            “I’m afraid so,” Haruka nods, biting his lower lip.

 

            “Good, I wouldn’t want it any other way,” Makoto pulls him into his arms and holds him there, a balanced, perpetual figure who has always been – and will always be – by Haruka’s side through thick and thin.

 

It’s not their first embrace, but this time, something’s changed drastically. They both notice that little shift; it feels different.

 

            It’s the good kind of different.

**Author's Note:**

> This has turned into a monster of 8031 words and it took longer than expected. The ending’s rather shitty and I’m still having a hard time characterizing Haru, especially a jealous Haru, haha. My headcanon is that because Haru internalizes his emotions all the time, that he doesn’t really know how to deal with jealousy when it hits him in the face. So he chooses to not deal with it, even though unconsciously he’s still reacting to the fact that Makoto and Aki are getting closer. Makoto’s probably known how he feels long before and is waiting for Haru to realize it and do something about it, that lovable jerk.


End file.
